let's pretend

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 17:21:27 GMT

today is the day.
im going to stop eating again.
i am absolutely disgustingly fat now
and i just cant take it anymore. :'(
i want to cry every time i look in the mirror.
this morning i got all ready to go to the gym.
then i took my shoes off and forgot about it
because im too fat to even go to the gym now.
so first its lose weight by food intake.
then. the gym comes in later to help out.
thats that. dont talk me out of it.

Mon, 14 May 2007 05:16:40 GMT

=/ and thats all i have to say.
but things will get better i hope.

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 07:09:50 GMT

he doesn't know it.
but he's letting me fall out of love with him..
=/ :'( </3 and it sucks really bad.

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 03:12:43 GMT

im so sick of having a crappy boyfriend.
:'( he doesnt get how hard it is on me.
maybe things will change.. soon.

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 03:42:35 GMT

there are a couple things i want to do less of.
one is eating.
the other is calling my boyfriend.
maybe if i dont call him as often
he'll start to miss me.

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 22:58:06 GMT

i guess i just broke up with jeff.
im crying pretty hard right now, obviously.
i mean, i know we will get back together.
i hope. i mean. i dont know. :'(
i just hate our relationship sometimes.
it really sucks when you are nervous calling your boyfriend, because you are always anticipating the fights, the arguments. :'( ughhh im so sick of it! i just want things to be good. hes always so mean to me and somehow its always my fault. i wish i didnt love him so much. then this wouldnt be so hard. :'(

i love him.

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 15:39:34 GMT

last night when i prayed, which im getting better at doing regularly, i prayed for God to give me strength. for Him to help me to not rely on one specific person so much, to not let this person determine my moods so often. rather, to focus more on Him, to realize that He is all i really need. plus my friends and family who i know love me very much and hate to see me hurting. and i think that this is something i REALLY want to work on. ♥ im excited. :)

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 17:14:43 GMT

so i hope things get better.
i think last night they got the worst.
we almost broke up,
but we didnt
and i think things will get better <3

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 14:55:10 GMT

baby i got plans tonight you don't know nothin' about.
ive been sitting around way too long tryin to figure you out.
but you say that youll call and you dont
and im spinnin my wheels
so im going out tonight in my red high heels..

im gonna call up that old boyfriend you says still has it bad for me
im gonna take him into town, follow him around for everyone to see
and you said watch yourself baby,
you know the deal
nobody holds a candle to me in my red high heels

oh you can watch me walk if you want to want to
i bet you want me back now dont you dont you
im about to show you just how missin me feels..
in my red high heels

all those games you tried to play
well they aint gonna work on my now
i put a barbed wire fence around my heart
baby just to keep you out
oh you thought id wait around forever
but baby get real
i just kicked you to the curb in my red high heels

oh you can watch me walk if you want to, want to
i bet you want me back now dont you dont you
im about to show you just how missin me feels..
in my red high heels

oh you can watch me walk if you want to, want to
i bet you want me back now dont you, dont you
im about to show you just how missin me feels..

oh you can watch me walk if you want to, want to
i bet you want me back now dont you, dont you
im about to show you just how missin me feels..
in my red high heelsss.

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 03:43:44 GMT

i think i realized why youre supposed to go away for college. so that your parents, who kick your butt into doing your homework, will finally leave you alone and LET you do your homework that they make you do so much. ahhh i dont think that made sense to anyone else, but seriously, why force me into doing it if youre just going to bother me while im seriously concentrating on it!?! AHHH so much frustration, i just cant wait to LEAVE!

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 21:32:43 GMT

im ready to get back into old habits that i was starting at this time last year. seriously, looking at myself in a bathing suit is really hard and unsatisfactory for me. =( i hate the way my legs are so fat and the thing is i know how to change it, its just going to take some motivation and hard work and stuff. ughhh. but yeah. this is just me complaining and trying to promise myself that i will do this for real this time. <3 :( i wish i was one of those girls who could eat anything ever all the time and still be thin. they dont know how good they have it!

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 05:11:10 GMT

have you ever felt like you need someone more than they need you? oh its not a fun feeling. but oh well, alls well that ends well, right? :) <3

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 17:59:55 GMT

it seems like all i ever do anymore is the following:

1. go to school
2. do homework
3. work
4. eat
5. sleep

and thats all.
and to be honest
its really getting to me.
like it brings my spirits down so much.
even when i do stuff with my friends now
it doesnt seem that fun anymore.
i dont know if something is wrong with me personally
but its really getting bad.

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 05:02:28 GMT

I never thought I would say this, but I feel like God is after me. I feel like I've done something wrong, or maybe everything wrong, so he's making all this bad stuff happen to me. I just don't know. I don't like blaming things on God, but these things that are happening are all out of my hands. I couldn't have done anything to make all of this happen to me. First our dog got sick, which pretty much tore my mom apart. She loves that dog & watching her struggle to even get up in the mornings is wearing her down emotionally which is just hard to know what to do. And then we go to Texas for Thanksgiving, and my uncle unexpectedly goes to the emergency room && finds out he has a collapsed/severly bruised lung. Then after that trip we come home expecting a fun Christmas with Jeff in town, but that didn't happen because nothing about this Christmas was normal. My grandma went to the emergency room two days before Christmas and ended up having blood clots in her lungs, and she had to stay until after Christmas. So granted, no Christmas Eve at grandmas house, something i look forward to all year long. And now we just found out that my cousin went to the emergency room today because she was coughing up blood; and it turns out her cell count is all out of wack which means she's fighting some kind of infection inside her body. :'[ Im absolutey sick of this. Im tired of being worried, and it just keeps getting to be more and more and I just don't know what to do anymore. What does God want from me? fjdosijvxlj :'[ ughhh. I'm so empty.

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 23:09:02 GMT

this is just for my own need. dont read it, its boring.

For an artist as visually sensitive as Hardy, colour is of the first importance and significance, and there is one colour which literary catches the eye, and is meant to catch it, throughout the book. This colour is red, the colour of blood, which is associated with Tess from first to last. It dogs her, disturbs her, destroys her. She is full of it, she spills it, she loses it. Watching Tess' life we begin to see that her destiny is nothing more or less than the colour red.

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 07:34:19 GMT

this christmas was extremely different. it kind of bums me out too, because i wanted jeff to be with me for my kind of christmas. because our christmas's are always so fun and my family is so happy when we're all together. but then the day before christmas eve my grandma went to the emergency room and then ended up being in the hospital until tonight. i mean she was fine, she just had one blood clot in her lung, so she had to stay until that was fixed up. it was nice going to visit her, but it was just not the average christmas that we always have. we call my grandma the "Queen of Christmas" i mean really, you should see how she decorates her house for christmas. so going to my aunts house on christmas eve just wasnt the same. it was nice, and we all had fun, but everyone was just exhausted and it didnt feel like christmas at all. we tried though. its been nice having jeff around, though. he keeps my mind off of things and it probably would have gotten to me a lot more had he not comforted me.

i had a good christmas, :)
i hope you did too.

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 19:01:19 GMT

so formal was so so so super fun.
i never really write these anymore,
but here is everything ina nutshell :)

well i left school after 4th period with elizabeth
we went and got our nails done :) (they look pretty)
and then i went straight from there to get my hair done
which ended up as a big disaster.
so i cried on the way home
which was not smart because of the traffic on the 8.
but i made it.
and then i got home and was late already
and ashley and tiff came over and so did stacey
and stacey did my makeup while tiffanie did ashleys hair.
then we all went over to shannons.
where we were pretty rushed,
which kind of sucked, no really super cute pictures.
then we went ot dinner at barbarellas in la jolla
which was fun, and good.
except i had to cut my own salad? uh yeah.
but then we still had time before the dance started,
so we went to the starbucks in la jolla.
and afte rthat we proceded to get super lost on our way to the dance
with lots of screaming and yelling and laughing along with it haha
then we got to the dance
and we danced danced danced.
it was so much fun :)
and thenn we went back to shannons
but on the way we stopped at 7-11 for slurpees.
and on our way back to the car we saw jess zulauf!
it was so exciting :) i love that igrl! haha
and thenn we went back to shannons
and we all ate junk food all night
and then we watched ice age
then rickie and tom left
so us girls fell asleep finallyyy
then we were rudely awaken by the sunshine at about 7:30 am.
hahaha oh gosh.
the end. :)

oh and last night was eventful too :)
but we wont go there hahaha.

"WOOOOOOOOO! youre a good woo-er!"

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 05:36:47 GMT

sometimes i feel like im trying too hard. and getting my feelings hurt too often. i feel like fjosi just doesnt care, and doesnt understand how hard im trying. or how bad im hurting. or yeah. anything at all. i feel like vcxoijf just gets upset, before even caring about how i feel. making me seem like the bad person for having feelings, and the fact that they are hurt. i dont want to be treated this way. i wish it scared fdsovijx so that they would stop. because its frustrating. and i dont like the thoughts that are running through my head.

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 05:36:12 GMT

well ive gained a lot of weight lately.
and i want to lose it.
i know, i always say that.
but this time i really mean it.
and i always say that too.
i hope i keep with it now.
its hard to do,
since i work at baskin robbins.
ice cream is just so good,
its hard to resist it when i get it for free.
blahhh. seriously though.
i miss being in shape
gymnastics was so good for me
i wish i was better at it
so i didnt have to quit.
okay enough whining.

life is good <3

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 03:01:06 GMT

so ive made my decision
and its that im going to get skinny again
now i know i say that all the time
but tonight i went to the gym
and i realized that i can do it.
i can go to the gym every night again.
and feel better about myself.
and drop pounds quickly.
nowww i know i have to do it the healthy way this time
and i will for sure
but im ready to be tiny again
it was nice :)
anyways.
life is good.
today is 15 months of my relationship with jeff.
and its better than ever.
sure we struggle,
but what good couple doesnt?
we pray about it and life goes on.
sure its hard being so far away
but lately we have been seeing each other
a lot more than normal
and its making this year fly by.
graduation and this summer will be so fun
and then college will be a new beginning.
going there this weekend was great
i absolutely LOVE the college atmosphere.
i mean seriously,
where else can you sit in yoru room,
look out the door and see
a guy with a jester hat on jumping on one foot down the hall?
hahaha seriously, its so bomb.

i love it and i cant wait
to get out of this place
full of stupid immature little children.

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 19:55:56 GMT

its so hard for me lately.
i dont know what i want.
i know this is getting old.
especially with the abundance of girls
who have been struggling with this lately.
but i just cant help it.
sometimes i look at girls
and i wish i were that skinny
and then i say im determined to get
back into old habits.
eat less, work out more.
but then other times i really wish
that i didnt care
because no one else cares
what my body looks like.
my boyfriend
and my friends
my family
they all love me for who i am
not what my body looks like
so then i say i dont care
ill eat what i want.

i need to figure out
what it REALLY is
that i want to do.. =/

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 14:38:09 GMT

life is good and bad.
it varies lately.
often at that.
but i try to make the best of it.
because why would i not do that?
:] nothing really to say
i love my boyfriennddd

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 04:21:56 GMT

life really sucks right now.
and im so serious.
not just wanting pity.
just wanting to feel better.
school is so stressful.
i honestly wish that
my expectations werent so high.
so i could just not do anything.
because i dont want to.
i dont care.
but in the long run i do.
so i make myself work way too hard.
and cry and cry and cry
because im too stressed for my own good.
and its my last year at home
and i just want to get along with my mom.
because that is not happening anymore
i dont know why
but its come to the point
where i avoid talking to her
because we always get into a fight
or arguement of some sort.
and it hurts so bad.
cause i wanted this last year at home
to be so perfect
and its so far from it..

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 22:40:14 GMT

blah.
food is the enemy.
i did really good yesterday.
then today was really bad.
and now my stomach feels it.
plus that anxiety feeling is back.
i get it whenever i think about eating.
woo hoo. kind of.

we'll see.
i really miss being skinny..

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 21:53:55 GMT

i have some amazing people in my life.
people who love me for me.
and it just makes me so happy.
when im with them, i feel so good.
like nothing matters.
not what i look like,
what im wearing,
how fat or skinny i am.
they love me anyways ♥